The Student News Site of Souderton Area High School

The Arrowhead

The Arrowhead

The Student News Site of Souderton Area High School

The Arrowhead

The Student News Site of Souderton Area High School

The Arrowhead

The Arrowhead

Secure a Valentine, find your true love

[SATIRE] Valentine’s Day is a holiday made for expressing love toward those close to you in your life, letting them know you care about them. While common gifts like chocolates and flowers are cute, they won’t help you capture a valentine.

If you are alone on this Valentine’s Day, do not fret!
As the popular holiday quickly approaches, here are some helpful tips to securing that significant other.
For hopeful bachelors or bachelorettes looking for a significant other but only on a single, very specific day of the year, ditch the long conversations and boring dates and look for these two crucial attributes: the ability to cook and willingness to listen to you without complaining.
For those looking for a man, go onto Facebook Marketplace and use the following filters for the perfect results: six feet tall and a whopping three figure bank account.
That is all you need. This way, you can be spoiled for one day and immediately drop him on the February 15.
In any instance, when meeting that special person, what you wear can make or break your date.
Therefore, dressing in wedding attire is essential to determining if you can see a future with your date.
Women should be wearing stilettos as well as a wedding dress. If they aren’t, don’t even proceed with the date.
Men should be wearing three piece suits. If they are not, kick them in the shins with your stilettos and run away.
This gives both parties the opportunity to see what the other will look like on wedding day.
Now, if you do not know where to start in looking for a partner, one method will be your hero: gaslighting.
Gaslighting works wonders when it comes to relationships. In this instance, you can gaslight someone into believing that they ARE and HAVE BEEN your valentine for as long as you see fit. If you are unsure, one year is always a great starting point.
If you want to take a more psychological approach with absolutely no work required, do not ask them out at all.
This will make them jealous and make them ask you out. They do not want you to go out with anyone else so of course they will claim you as theirs.
Most of the time, people try and fail to get a valentine using traditional gifts or gestures. If those haven’t worked for you, try these ways, instead!
If there is someone that you like in your class and want to get their attention, chew up some gum and right as the bell rings, throw it in their hair.
The flavor of the gum is most important to winning over your intended victim.
Choose either spearmint, peppermint or polar ice to show that you’re hygienic.
Remember, discretion is key.
This will for sure get their attention and you’ll know if they like you back by if they eat the gum or not.
If this didn’t grab their attention, try buying a bouquet of roses. One by one peel the petals off the flower and chew on the petals (the more noise the better).
NOM NOM NOM. It is best to do this in a public setting, as more people will fawn over you and make your crush jealous.

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Zoe Bass, Managing Editor

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