Back from the Future

Life with technology has benefits and drawbacks, as experienced during the network disruption. [Editor’s Note: This piece was written with a satirical slant after the district was cut off from all forms of technology during the district-wide network disruption, which began over Labor Day Weekend. This piece is written as if I have travelled back into prehistoric times from the future.]

Rolling over on my rock I scratch a mark onto my cave’s wall. 35 days trapped in prehistoric time since Y2K … I mean, Labor Day Weekend of 2019. I miss my I miss my TI-84 as I calculate the days. The long division I supposedly learned in third grade and then relearned for the SATs checks out; almost a tenth percent of a century and no contact with technology. An end for 3com5, the network that failed us all at one point. An end to Netflix accessibility in class, the streaming service that ensured our school day survival.
Picture this: dinosaurs roaming the earth, crusty living conditions, and no hydroflasks. Brutus has yet to deliver his speech destined to be studied in a number of sleepy 10th grade English classes, Kourtney Kardashian has not revolutionized the way we eat Kit Kats, and Russia has not begun to hack into our information systems.
I miss my phone more than my own mother. I crave hours on TikTok, politically incorrect memes, Teen Mom vlogs, and the ability to keep up with… well anybody. Using the sundial I handcrafted, I check the time to see that I am on track to finish today’s work; wake up, work under conditions all too simple, and go to bed only to do it all over again. A “more espresso, less depresso” approach is not a viable option. I miss my Nespresso.
Let’s just say I am not your typical canvas tote carrying, kombucha drinking, tree hugging, barefoot walking, climate striking vegan; yeah, I am quirky. Not to flex, but opposed to my hunter counterparts, I spend my days gathering.
Sometimes in the evening I see a smoke signal in the distance. That is Chad. Yeah, a waspy, prehistoric Chad. He is on that hot smoke signal bling. He doesn’t have Juul pods or AirPods, but he does eat tetrapods. As this waspy, prehistoric Chad is the only homo sapien within a 15 mile radius, I sometimes will visit his territory to see how the other half lives. When I do, I put on my special leopard skin skirt and fur tube top. Using my waist satchel fanny pack, I fill it with the day’s picks to share. Lighting my torch on fire, I blaze a path towards his territory, dropping pebbles behind me so that I might be able to find my way back to my cave.
Although I live a less domesticated existence, I feel better than I did during my time in the 21st Century. Here, I sleep better at night. The air is calm and clean, the only bluelight I experience is from the sun, I spend my days outside, and I never have to worry about Russia stealing my personal information to be used for Putin knows what reason.