“My mom and I have a crush on our vet.”

“I paid $6 for hydrogen-infused bagged water.”

Teacher: “Don’t do drugs.Don’t do war. Get enough sleep. Hydrate. You’ll be fine.”

“Just dress like you’re Amish with your big skirt and your Star Wars shirt.”

“We were talking late into the night about Fortnite.”

“Last night I found my limit for lactose.”

Teacher: “There’s your daily dose of German rap, kids!”

Person 1: “It’s from the Bible.”
Person 2: “No, it’s from SNL.”

“I have to leave the house. I’m going to go burn a tree or something.”

“Pink Floyd is the same genre as Lil Yachty.”

“I need samples- real, live samples of your cheese.”

“You still haven’t answered my question. Does he smell good?”

“Sending unsolicited videos of me doing karaoke is my form of coping on Valentine’s Day.”

“Saddest story ever: I was in Epcot and couldn’t get sushi.”

“A chicken doesn’t fall far.”