“I go commando in my shoes.”

“Don’t defile the munchkins with jelly.”

“Don’t ever put steak in the toaster.”

“I am an Oxford comma type of gal.”

Student: “I had a dream about a gorilla throwing up gang signs at me.”
Teacher: “Well, they know sign language.”

“If you were actually 30, you wouldn’t be wearing a sweater vest.”

“I am a legal adult. Now I can buy a hamster without my mom’s permission.

“Wait…chicken fingers aren’t the actual fingers of a chicken?”

Teacher: “Oh yes, that was funny. Giggle giggle.”

“Investment Club! Halt!”

“While addressing Frank the bearded dragon: “Don’t you dare poop on my MacBook Pro.”

“You’re really racking in that McDonald’s cash.”

Uber driver: “I’m 73-years-old.”
Passenger: “Wow, you look really good.”
Uber driver: “It’s the Cheez-Itz.”

“An example of a famous Leo – Mr. Murphy.”